BISMARK: "The Choice is Yours": How the Blue Barracudas could save Hollywood.

  Friends, I start bluntly - there is something plaguing our good and honest way of society. Seemingly it's been everywhere for near a decade now and shows no signs of going away. This enigmatic, dark, acid-faced demon has warped our minds, destroyed our resolve and done so in the most classless of ways. No, this isn't a ramble about terrorism, obesity or the fall of economy, or even "Saved by the Bell: the New Class" (you had such a good thing with Zack and Slater. Why would you ruin Zack and Slater?! ZACK AND SLATER!) No, this disruption to life is a silver-screened wolf in sheep's clothing, and his name brings tightly-wound nerves on all.
  His name is Marvel. Perhaps you've heard of him.
  Sure, the comic-book-turned-feature-film behemoth manufactured a few well-intentioned, solid films at the beginning of it's reign as emperor of super-power filmdom, but over time it has come to a highly unsettling truth: The super-hero movie is headed toward a very tragic demise.
  You've seen it. Every Marvel flick follows the same pattern. The concept of the film is announced, inspiring a near Internet fire sale-style rush to IMDB and Wikipedia in hopes of finding all the behind-the-scenes info (directors, casting, and signs of failure like budgeting, locations and Shia Lebouf-Megan Fox duos). Months later the trailer is released, of course deemed by the sight of every Facebook member outside of your great Uncle slapping it on their profile with the comment "Sweet effects!" And then... silence. No one says a word until weeks after the movie comes out. Interest mixture, eh? If you want to know why this happens I'll tell you.
  Nobody wants you to know they saw it. Marvel movies a inches near being treated like buying shoes at Wal-Mart or watching Pro Wrestling (Wolfpac 4-Life!) - keep it under the nose, 'cause you'll only get laughed at.
  How did something so noble become so passe? It's simple really. It's become predictable, so much so that they all follow the same pattern whether the stories follow the same lines as the actually comic stories or not. Too much action but no wisdom. Like all Cory and Topanga with no Mr. Feeny. At most angles it seems as if there's no real solution. Until now.
  I'm one of many in the line of those who fully experienced the 90s. I feel I'm not alone when I say such an era was a golden time of risks and treasures, and if we honor ourselves with any accomplishment we can always fall back and be proud of one great invention - kids game shows. Nothing says "wholesome and realistic entertainment" like a batch of 11-year olds in heated competition for the last pair of Sketchers. This realm of being was a beautiful time, when hope and pleasing angst burned in every heart. It is also the heart of my solution to save the action films today. A mixture of nostalgia and suspense, honor and character, talents and ostentatiously bright colored shirts. You've seen many visual medias, but trust me when I say you've seen nothing like "Legends of the Hidden Temple: The Movie."

  Gold, right? Now, before you flutter this blog with commented doubts and hold boycotting sessions at the front door of our non-existent office, give an ear to the set up.

  PLOT: In a far off and well-respected land lies many jealously-guarded treasures, most of which are thinly plated in gold. These emblems contain not only value but many symbols and representations of life in this land. Living under the respect of these emblems comes quite routine until one day when the nation consulate discovers that most of the sacred emblems...ready for this (Dan, start the dramatic music)...have been STOLEN (duh, Duh, DUHHHH!)! This horrifying act enrages Kirk, that national leader and token wise man Olmec, a talking wall full of wisdom and paid advertisement to boot. In an earnest effort to retrieve something of such immense value to the land, Kirk and Olmec call upon twelve of the finest historians, anthologists and A-list remainders to form six teams of two in hopes of scattering the earth to find the mysterious temple which is believed to hold the sacred emblems. The duo to first find the temple and return the items will be emblazoned with glory and riches forever. And the others... possibly a consolation set of K'Nex. Together we follow these young and courages beings as they learn the storied legends of the emblems, go through daring steps to know of their being and finally to approach the ever-coolwordthingy temple in a stroy of glory, honor, history and piles upon piles of bright yellow mouth guards.  In theaters July 2013.



  CAST:

-Kirk, leader of the land and search coordinator: Robert Downey Jr.

In Kirk we need an energetic, fine-leading know-it-all who can instill strength with a purpose. So, basically Iron Man without seemingly EVERYTHING blowing up. With Just enough fast-paced grit and snappy one-liners, this initiator of adventure is sure to have heads rolling and butts at the end of their seats. And he may even bring bagels for a change.

 -Olmec, the Temple wisdom-seeker: James Earl Jones -

  This is the perfect fit for voicing over a talking wall. My reasoning? It's James Earl-freaking Jones. He was MUFASA for Pete's sake! You give me a better option.

-Team one: The Blue Barracudas: Topher Grace and Ellen Page -                       

It's a fact, every protagonist team must be laden with half-way puny, half-way intelligent and all-way adorable home style characters, and that's where these two champs come in. These two stars meet at the interview process for the treasure search and form an automatic bond when they both find they know all the words to "Rock Lobster" by the B52s. They come together, build upon trust and fight against all odds in a suspenseful feats to.... well...ya know how this one goes. The big difference - instead of a romantic kiss to signify their undying relationship they share a package of wild berry pop tarts.

-Team Two: The Red Jaguars:  Josh Hartnett and Avril Lavigne -

The Jaguars are the rival team, who use tricky tactics to outlast the others. For this I needed two people who could come off as overpowering yet have many, many many a plethora of weaknesses. It also would be nice for them to be people I rather dislike. I might as well enjoy watching them lose.

-Team Three: The Green Monkeys: Ben Savage and Zooey Deschanel  - 

Best friends and confidants to the Blue Barracudas, they work in unity with our stars and show character that only warms hearts and...uhh...does other, cute things. A great re-defining moment for Savage of "Boy Meets World" fame as he expels real drama during a near death scene.


-Team Four: The Silver Snakes: Andy Samburg and Amy Jo Johnson (yes, the Pink ranger)

-They're hot, they're charismatic, they're the favorites to win, taking the search by sheer storm with skill and their already cemented fame.
  They die within the first ten minutes.



-Team Five: Orange Iguanas: James Roday and Dule Hill - 

The well-established contending comic relief. And yes, I understand that I generally put a guy with a girl in this pattern, but it's Shawn and Gus from "Psych", YOU try and split them up!



-Team Six: The Purple Parrots: Lady Miss Kier of DEEE-LITE and the Kool-Aid Man -

   I believe this one speaks for itself...

 -Mr. Mrs. Eckerburg - the evil emblem thieves: Geoffrey Rush and Molly Ringwald - 

Hey, I needed a reason to get Molly Ringwald in a movie. If you think it's a bad idea go watch "Pretty in Pink."





 


 - And finally, Gilbert Gottfried as the genie.   

 


  And there you have, my cinematic plan to save Super Hero films, and seemingly all of Hollywood, as we know it. Until Marvel comes up with a plan themselves, or those ever-successful natural disaster flicks ("Dante's Peak" anyone?) make a comeback, you'll just have to have your heart set on a game show that changed a youthful and the highly-acclaimed film that let it shine once again - with your support it can come true. In the words of Olmec himself, "The choice is yours and yours alone."

 And for the record, I hope I win the Moon Shoes.

-BIZ