10. Frosted Mini Wheats
These make the top ten for a few reasons. First, they get you more full than just about any other cereal. They're big, hearty pieces of heavy fiber goodness that feature a tasty frosting on one side, which means they keep you more regular (it's dietary science). The reason this is one of the reasons is that originally, this cereal wasn't frosted. It consisted of fat pieces of shredded wheat (I think some stores might still sell shredded wheat, but I'm pretty sure almost NO ONE buys it anymore).
Now I know you're thinking, "Well being frosted doesn't make you great. There are a lot of frosted cereals." You're correct. What makes this cereal better than a lot of others is that because it is so rich in fiber, as a diabetic, you can actually inject less insulin into your body than you would normal cereals when you eat it. I don't mind my insulin injections, but I'm all about saving insulin so that I don't have to make another trip to the pharmacy as soon as I normally would.
Another reason I respect this cereal is that it's relatively unique. It's so different that no one has tried to make a copycat because they know they would fail miserably. There really is no better way to improve shredded wheat. They achieved optimal wheat goodness.
Of course, this cereal does have a large, ugly weakness: The after-milk. The number one reason FMW can't get higher (or is it lower) than number 10. All the remains and broken off pieces of shredded wheat that remain from the consumed minis is the worst after milk on this list.
9. Apple Cinnamon Cheerios
While this is probably the least well known of the Cheerios, it's the best tasting and most consistent. The reason this is impressive enough to make a top ten list is because Cheerios might have more clout than any other family of cereal, and because so many kinds of Cheerios exists. How many exactly? No one knows for sure. We might as well say 8 dozen. This one, however, tops them all. Mind you, it's pretty tough to single out one kind of Cheerios over the rest of them (as close as I've ever come to picking a favorite child).
The two things that set ACC apart are taste and endurance. Its apple-cinnamon coat acts as a more powerful shield to the soggy-ing effects of milk than its younger brother Frosted Cheerios, it has the sweetness of its older brother Honey Nut, and maintains the heartiness established by the firstborn of its family more than the rest of the family. It's apple and cinnamon, so I almost feel like I'm eating healthier then when I eat most sugar cereals.
Another interesting thing about ACC is that we have seen so many apple cinnamon pastries, granola bars, oatmeals, and virtually any other snack or breakfast food you can think of, but we've only seen ONE cold cereal. I don't have an explanation for why this is. Maybe no one dared. Maybe no one thought that people wanted it. They were wrong. I want it. I've always wanted it, especially when it disappeared a few years back for a little while.
Finally, and probably the thing that made the experience of eating this cereal most unique was the flip book that came with every box (still not sure why they discontinued those). I don't ever remember feeling disappointed with them either. Call me crazy, but it was refreshing to get something that wasn't a piece of plastic I had two dozen copies of.
8. Smorz
One of the reasons I respect Kellogg's for this cereal is that they didn't take the easy route and make a chocolate golden graham cereal and decide to throw mallows in it. They actually put together a mixture of all three of the elements of a smore that fit together just as well in a bowl of milk as they do over a fire. The graham cracker pieces taste more like graham crackers more than the Golden Graham pieces do and stay puffier and crunchier longer. They added just a little bit of chocolate to the grahams and the marshmallows (as far as I know, no one has made a chocolate-normal mallow hybrid before or since. Genius.). This helps you taste every bit of flavor that you want and love. It makes it taste like you actually have half a graham cracker with a piece of chocolate on it and a marshallow on that. No easy task. Thank you for rising to the occasion Kellogg's.
7. Frosted Flakes
But as for the cereal, it's Corn Flakes on steroids. I don't just mean the frosting though, because the flakes themselves are actually better than Corn Flakes (Corn Flakes are awful, let's be honest. Okay fine, they are almost as old as railroads. I don't care. People didn't eat sugar back then, but they always had honey. There's a reason why only the unemployed touch Corn Flakes).
One of the best things about Frosted Flakes is that it makes people but Bananas in their cereal. Mind you, not many cold breakfast meals can compete with Frosted Flakes and bananas. The combo really is that good. That should be a big deal for all these Michelle Obamas we have parading through school cafeterias nationwide. People actually want to eat fruit at breakfast with these babies. My father doesn't buy Frosted Flakes without bananas. I know the box shows strawberries, but people put berries in a lot of different cold and warm cereals. How many cereals do people put bananas in? Normal people only put them in one. I admit it, putting bananas in cereal doesn't sound like anything close to a good idea. Who knew right? Just don't let them sit too long because you don't want a mouthful of soggy flakes and banana (it's like eating a slightly tasty, sugary, wet piece of skin).
6. Lucky Charms
This is a little bit of a mixed review. The truth is, Lucky Charms are just okay. I don’t believe that kids are always after them. They don’t taste better than Smorz. However, they started a revolution, a revolution of dehydrated marshmallows (I’m not sure if they are actually dehydrated, they just feel like they are. Even as a kid, I knew that they didn’t taste like any other marshmallows I had ever eaten). Smorz cereal might not exist for another couple of years if Lucky Charms hadn’t come along when they did. There are far worse cereals than Lucky Charms (Crispex), but there are also a lot of better tasting cereals. And they did provide us with some humor in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery.
I don't want to make them sound terrible, because they aren't. They are decent enough. There's just no getting around the impact they have had on the cereal game. Was Kareem more skilled than Wilt? Probably. But Wilt stood alone when he was in the league, and he probably influenced the game to a degree that impacted how Kareem played and dominated.
If Frosted Flakes are Corn Flakes on steroids, O’s are Honey Nut Cheerios on Bane venom (supervillain from Batman mythos who grows huge when he injects said “venom” directly into his bloodstream). This cereal is like the Kobe Bryant of cereals. It’s deliciously good, younger than a lot of the greats, and not respected by a lot of cereal-eaters. Its taste is far superior to almost any cereal in existence, and it is by far the crunchiest. This cereal consists of giant “O’s” that have the consistency of a Cap’n Crunch/Cheerio love child, but the holes are filled with some delectable form of grain or granola (not really sure) that keeps the cereal crunch even when the outside starts to get softer. I don’t want you as the reader to get nervous when I say ‘crunchiest cereal ever’. This cereal isn’t so hard that it’s uncomfortable to chew, but the bottom of the bowl tastes just as good as the beginning. Two kinds of cereal in every O. Honey goodness. Sustenance. My goodness I can’t even speak in complete sentences…
The CTC/GG dichotomy is such a great allegory of life too. Both claim to be tasty and terrific, but instead of boasting about the things you can’t see (honey and graham cracker taste, could be compared to personality), CTC shows you what’s up (“there are cinnamon and sugar swirls in every bite”). In other words, they bring it; they don’t sing it (as my older brother would say). I mean, really readers. If I have to explain all the reasons why CTC is great, then you clearly don’t eat cold cereal.
3. Cap'n Crunch
If I had to choose one, it would be the original because it led to Peanut Butter Crunch. I could write a whole blog post on Cap’n Crunch alone. Cap’n Crunch was the first cereal that wanted kids to feel like they could accomplish something (“You and the Cap’n make it happen”. Sound familiar?). It made me want to be bigger than myself. It just helped that it tasted and still tastes amazing.
One of the reasons I love Cap’n Crunch is that the original flavor/style has remained unchanged through all of the years it has been in existence. They haven’t changed the taste because kids or the world have changed (this is probably the only beef I have with CTC. The taste has changed slightly in the last 5 years). I respect this, not just because they aren’t fixing what isn’t broke, but because it seems like sales have probably been through some ups and downs (why else would you make Crunch Berries?), but they trust themselves to get through anything (that’s why the o.g. Crunch is still in Crunch Berries. What they were thinking with ‘Oops, All Berries’ will always be a mystery to me, however. Really though, whose idea were they?), and they haven’t cheapened their production process just because the economy in the toilet.
Another reason is that they made a ridiculously good milkshake at Carl’s Jr. (and, you’ll never believe this, but in my kitchen as well). Think of that. What other cereal can say that? “We’re wonderful in your cereal bowl. Try us in your milkshake.” It’s like the suggestion Go-gurt makes for freezing itself (quite good actually, but not as good as a Cap’n Crunch milkshake). I’m telling you, the next time you make a milkshake, make one with Cap’n Crunch in it. You will want to thank me 10 times over. It’s okay. Just thank the Cap’n.
Finally (sorry for having to cut this short die-hard CC fans), the Cap’n is probably one of the few cartoon old men who is actually cool and not a creeper (think Family Guy) or object of ridicule for comic relief’s sake (think Abraham Simpson). He even has a cheesy smile. Nope. It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t creep me out. He just makes me happy at breakfast time.
3. Cap'n Crunch
If I had to choose one, it would be the original because it led to Peanut Butter Crunch. I could write a whole blog post on Cap’n Crunch alone. Cap’n Crunch was the first cereal that wanted kids to feel like they could accomplish something (“You and the Cap’n make it happen”. Sound familiar?). It made me want to be bigger than myself. It just helped that it tasted and still tastes amazing.
One of the reasons I love Cap’n Crunch is that the original flavor/style has remained unchanged through all of the years it has been in existence. They haven’t changed the taste because kids or the world have changed (this is probably the only beef I have with CTC. The taste has changed slightly in the last 5 years). I respect this, not just because they aren’t fixing what isn’t broke, but because it seems like sales have probably been through some ups and downs (why else would you make Crunch Berries?), but they trust themselves to get through anything (that’s why the o.g. Crunch is still in Crunch Berries. What they were thinking with ‘Oops, All Berries’ will always be a mystery to me, however. Really though, whose idea were they?), and they haven’t cheapened their production process just because the economy in the toilet.
Another reason is that they made a ridiculously good milkshake at Carl’s Jr. (and, you’ll never believe this, but in my kitchen as well). Think of that. What other cereal can say that? “We’re wonderful in your cereal bowl. Try us in your milkshake.” It’s like the suggestion Go-gurt makes for freezing itself (quite good actually, but not as good as a Cap’n Crunch milkshake). I’m telling you, the next time you make a milkshake, make one with Cap’n Crunch in it. You will want to thank me 10 times over. It’s okay. Just thank the Cap’n.
Finally (sorry for having to cut this short die-hard CC fans), the Cap’n is probably one of the few cartoon old men who is actually cool and not a creeper (think Family Guy) or object of ridicule for comic relief’s sake (think Abraham Simpson). He even has a cheesy smile. Nope. It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t creep me out. He just makes me happy at breakfast time.
2. Reese's Puffs
Honestly, the makers must be wizards. Why wouldn’t anyone try to make a Butterfinger or Baby Ruth cereal? Because they don’t know how (don’t try to convince me a Butterfinger cereal wouldn’t be good because I won’t accept that. General Mills, seriously, get on it.). Is it possible to have a breakfast food fail that’s designed by a council of warlocks? I should say not. Every bite tastes magical.
Now, I know some of you are thinking, “Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups aren’t even that great, so this cereal can’t be that good.” Let me enlighten you for a second. RPBCs aren’t my favorite candy. They aren’t even in my top seven. That fact changes nothing about the status of these breakfast-time beauties.
The secret to their greatness probably lies within the chocolate puffs. Let’s be honest with ourselves, most chocolate cereals taste the same, whether you are talking about Cocoa Krispies, Cocoa Puffs, or Cocoa Pebbles, they are almost identical right down to the milk. The chocolate of Reese’s Puffs doesn’t taste bitter (I don’t know why they did it, but in the past couple of years, the taste of Cocoa Puffs has changed, and they aren’t nearly as yummy as they used to be). Another fantastic quality of the chocolate is that it doesn’t ALL disappear into the milk. I like chocolate milk at the end, but Cocoa Pebbles and Cocoa Krispies don’t have any chocolate left in the actual pieces by the time I drink the milk. Finally, it complements the peanut-buttery taste just like its candy counterpart does. Think that’s not a big deal? Have you ever tried mixing Peanut Butter Crunch and Cocoa Puffs together? I have. Don’t do it. I'm not sure the peanut butter puffs could stand up against PBC if they stood alone, but the chocolate puffs are by far the best chocolate cereal piece ever engineered. It just blows my mind that they can compliment each other so well.
AND NOW, THE NUMBER ONE CEREAL EVER...
RICE KRISPIES TREATS CEREAL
Let me start by explaining something. The God-sent manna from heaven that was the cereal pictured to the left of this sentence IS NOT the same as the one you can find now in the purple box in the breakfast aisle of your local supermarket. Let me repeat myself. These two cereals are NOT the same. I don't care what Kellogg's says to try to convince me otherwise.
For one thing, this branch off of Rice Krispies was and is the only box in Kellogg's history to not feature Snap, Krackle, and Pop on it. Some of you might consider that a weakness, but I consider it a strength. This cereal had the balls to say, "You know what? We don't need them to be awesome." Someone at Kellogg's probably told a group of young amazing minds to make a great new cereal, and the reason that it was discontinued for a number of years was because they didn't follow all of the rules (one of which was to include the poster boys on the box). Guess what? Kellogg's was wrong, that young group of proteges was right, and now they are sittin on a giant pile of cash that they got from General Mills for creating Reese's Puffs Cereal (think I missed the box aspect of that issue? You're wrong. Look at the Reese's Box. Have you ever seen a happier group of puffs in your life? Have you seen a cooler looking cereal bowl that just happens to market and stand for everything that they claim? No. You haven't).
One of the reasons I make up that last story is because the two greatest cereals in the history of mankind have two similar origin stories: Let's take something that is already hugely popular and delicious and turn it into cereal. Easier said than done to be sure. Not only did they take something that was already good and turn it into cereal, but I'm going to throw down some boldness right now and say that the cereal was better than the individually wrapped Rice Krispies Treats snacks that you can purchase by the box. Yes. They were. The thing that set them apart was the lack of artificial weird sweetness that is prevalent in the Rice Krispies Treats
Another thing I'm going to mention is that tagline "wholesome crispy clusters". I'm going to mention that because it's awesome and because I just looked at the box again and read it. What makes it awesome? A few things. The first one is the word 'wholesome'. One of the biggest reasons I loved this cereal was because I never got it. Yep. You read right. I never got it. My mom always told me it was too sugary. She was fine with sugar cereal, but apparently, these puppies crossed the line. Thus, they were always that championship to my Jerry Sloan, always that world series to my Atlanta Braves. And when I finally became the 2011 Dallas Mavericks, even for a few games, vengeance was sweet and no victory was greater for me. I mention this because the world wholesome completely clashes with my mother's view of this cereal. What she saw as teeth-rotting, cellulite-building, sugar high and subsequent crash-inducing junk food was to me a pieces of the golden apples Hercules had to get from Atlas (what a great metaphor for my predicament).
The second reason that phrase is great is because "crispy clusters" just rolls off the tongue fantastically. One of the more excellent demonstrations of alliteration slapped on a box of food.
Honestly, all of the things that you'd want in a sugar cereal were in these. Sugar, check. Whole grains (rice), check. Sweetness, check. Heck, even marshmallows, check. Crunchiness, check. In fact, these nougats stayed crunchy for very long periods of time without managing to produce that nasty scraping effect most cereal marshmallows give your teeth when you bite them. They aren't hard, they aren't soft. The milk gets in between the kernels of rice, but doesn't dissolve the marshmallow glue, which it does with the new version. With the newer version, you get all sorts of loose Rice Krispies bits that feature no mallow, but instead turn soggy and sit in your bowl by themselves because they aren't clustered together with the bits of treat. Epic fail.
Sometimes I can almost taste them. Other times they feel like a dream. They'll always be one of the biggest reasons I wish time travel was possible or that I was still a child. For now, I'll settle with the rest of the top ten and write hate mail to Kellogg's. Who knows? Maybe one day RKTC will be amazing again.
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